Carry That Weight

 So, first of all. Having a blog usually means that the blogger will make regular posts. 

I haven't posted to my blog since May 4. 

On May 7, my dad entered the hospital, from which, after a week, who moved to the local hospice house, where, on May 19, he died. That's the shortest possible version of this story, because that's not what this post is about.

But it's why I haven't given this blog space a thought in months. 

I work as a hospice chaplain, a bereavement care coordinator. I deal with death and bereavement daily. It's profoundly different when it's your own parent. And now my mom, after seven or eight years of increasingly advanced dementia, is now on hospice care herself. 

The holidays were difficult. More than an absence, my grief felt more like a heaviness, a weight that had not been there before.

At any rate.

I'm back, and wondering about grudges. I'm not much for resentment and holding grudges myself, as I feel as though I have enough emotional baggage without taking on extras. But occasionally I'm on the receiving end, and it's surprising how frustrated and helpless it makes me seem.

We have all encountered that co-worker. Somehow, in the very earliest days of your employment, you said or did something that rubbed your co-worker the wrong way, and she hasn't liked you since. 

In my particular case, the co-worker perceived me as rude and standoffish when I was new and absorbed in learning a complicated computer charting system and new duties and responsibilities. Then, it seems, she viewed me as hypocritical when I tried to mimic the way others interacted with her.

Last summer, just before our supervisor retired, she held a come-to-Jesus meeting with us to clear the air. Behind closed doors, she said, "Where should we begin?" My co-worker jumped in and for ten minutes spoke about my rudeness, my inability to respond appropriately when she made a joking comment, and my failure to cooperate when she organized office social events. She said that for six months I had been nothing but rude to her, and she had been nothing but gracious to me.

I apologized, profusely. I said I had never meant to be rude or brusque. I mentioned my hope that we could get along better.

"Don't pretend. I don't need a friend. I am a professional," she said. My supervisor mentioned to me a need to be culturally sensitive. 

Life went on. During a recent office staff meeting, the current supervisor sat by while my co-worker scolded me twice, saying that I wasn't a team player and that I didn't pitch in the way I should. 

This morning, as I passed her desk, I cheerfully said, "Good morning." She grunted in response.

This is a small office. Most of the staff are field workers. It hurts everybody for us not to get along. But I feel frustrated and helpless. All I can do is do my job, help out where I can, and be friendly. But she is determined to expend energy in disliking and resenting me, and I don't know what to do about it. 

Except, I guess, carry on.

And that's what so many others are doing. Faced with situations that leave them feeling frustrated and helpless, they do the best they can, they put their best selves forward, and carry on. And chances are excellent that just about everyone you encounter has a situation somewhat like this. A situation that they can't help, but that adds weight to their daily lives.

All of which is to say: don't hold grudges. Do what you can to avoid being the ongoing weight in someone else's life.